I miscarried in my first trimester, around my... I believe it was the 9th week? Since than I have tried to forget, silently grieving inwardly. I was so excited when I got those two little pink lines, skipping around the house, waking up my boyfriend with the news, it was all so wonderful. My family and his overjoyed with the thought of another (My boyfriend has a daughter) grandbaby, everybody knew, my family, his family, friends, his daughter, and her mothers family knew (though whether they cared or not is a different story). I made my first appointment to solidify the pregnancy and see the growing little thing.

At this point the baby was no more than a size of a quarter, we went about (and I'm kicking myself in the butt for this) but I continued to smoke cigarettes and medical marijuana, believing all my friends that told me I would be fine for the first few weeks, I was having trouble eating (hence the medical stuff. Soon we went in for the second "check-up" appointment, thats when the concern started. They told me not to worry, which was my first sign to worry. They sent me to a gynecologist and he proceeded to tell me I had miscarried.

My dad was waiting for me in the lobby, and I explained the news with tears. This was in August, I never openly grieved besides locking myself in my room for days on end crying my eyes out, throwing up from the thought of a dead child in my stomach, sleeping all the time, and than it happened. The rush of blood stained pillows and blankets, I lost half my wardrobe, and stained carpets and sheets.

This went on for around a day before the actual process happened, and as much as I wish I didn't have to say this, nobody cared. None of my so called "friends" bothered to talk to me, since than I haven't heard from any of my friends. I posted on my facebook, "If you seriously consider yourself my friend... I need help". Only two people bothered to see if I was okay. Today I sit here, reliving the events of that time over and over, I don't know what to do.

I can't talk to family about it, I don't feel comfortable. My boyfriend told me somebody I could talk to, but how do you tell a brand new mother, you can't stand her company because your angry at them for having their child? How do you tell a woman you can't even look at her because when you do, you feel such intense feeling of hurt, rage, depression, and jealousy because they were able to have their baby? I just don't know what to do anymore, this whole thing is killing me...