Lost

About two weeks ago I went to my doctor after experiencing some strong abdominal pains and strange sensations. I went in for testing. To my surprise I was 18 weeks pregnant and it had no heart beat and my doctor told me I would have to have D/C. Two shocks in one day... I don't understand how I went that long without knowing something was different. I still had periods and just thought my change in anxiety medication was causing my emotional roller coasters. There were signs but I ignored them or was too busy with my new job to pay attention. Had I known earlier I could have done something.

When I saw the ultrasound I broke down crying. I don't know how I can feel this much pain over something I didn't even plan, or even really want. Yet I feel at a loss. I feel a part of me is missing.

I'm weighed down by guilt for not knowing my own body. Not knowing a child was inside me. My doctor said I wouldn't have been able to do anything differently. It doesn't make me blame myself less.

I went in for the D/C alone and thought it would be easier that way and I emerge alone. I feel this great distance between me and my boyfriend. I didn't tell him until after and while I experiencing this horrible thing by myself he was convinced I was some where cheating on him. While I was at a hospital having our child taken from me he was thinking these horrible things about me.

The first thing he did when he saw me was scream in my face that he thought I had been out cheating on him.

All these pains mixed together.... I just don't know how to handle it besides throw myself into work.

Because I was away from work for three days dealing with this, a whole bunch of chaos went down. No one at work knows what I just went through, they can't sympathize with my stress and overload of work/emotion because they just don't know. Instead they pile these work problems on my shoulders and I just want to scream. While I am doing all these things I am imagining from the doctors point of view what the D&C looked like.

Horrible images flash through my mind, my boyfriend screaming those words in my face when I returned, my work is crashing down on me, im alone, im scared, I am miserably heart broken and I just don't know what to do to keep my head above water.