can't get over miscarriage

It's nice to find others feeling the same way. I miscarried in August 2010 and I cannot get past it. I can't talk about it or think about it without crying. I can't stand hearing about other people's pregnancies and I feel terrible when I'm not excited for them. I actually dread hearing that anybody else is pregnant. That day in 2010 changed me .... Mine was also unplanned and I cried when I found out I was pregnant because I didn't think I was ready and I was scared. But when you know you are and you can feel that you are...it becomes yours. You start to accept it and be excited about it and then it's taken. Nobody can understand that like we do. I never did talk about it and still don't because nobody understands. I feel the exact same way as you...it's easier to keep it to myself than face a lack of understanding. I just can't believe it's been so long and I'm still so devestated by it. I remember a doctor at the hospital who had finished with me and came back to me. He said he couldn't help but feel for me because he saw the look on my face. He told me that one day this would all be a distant memory. I didn't take it as insulting for some reason and I want to believe that.

Thank you, it does feel better to know that other people are feeling the same and understand... I also think this experience has changed me, I dont look at things the same way, and the changes I have experienced go far beyond what happened: my scale of priorities, the way I see life, all these things have changed completely, and it just seems amazing that a miscarriage could have such a huge impact on many other unrelated aspects of my life.
Personally, I also want to believe that one day it will become a distant memory. Sometimes I am not sure, I wonder whether it is possible to get over it completely. I try to imagine the day when it wont hurt anymore, but I find it hard to see how it will be like. I am not sure people ever get over loss completely. Experiences become something different when they become past experiences and turn into memories, but there's always something there...
On the other hand, I always wonder whether it is normal to feel the way we feel after such a long time, if it's worth seeking professional help, it it would help, if not, I feel a bit confused about all this.
I am really sorry for your loss, but thanks for writing, reading helps.

I am VERY sorry for your loss as well and my heart hurts for you because I can relate and really understand how you're feeling. Your message caught my attention because you had mentioned that it happened in 2010 and are not over it. Although I don't talk about it, one friend knows how much it pains me and encourages me to seek counselling. I just don't see that helping, unless the therapist has had the same experience. Many who have not experienced it, I believe, don't understand that it's a loss. My own brother said it's not like it was born yet, that that would have been worse (I know that sounds horrible). I do understand the ignorance, but....it's so hurtful to hear comments from people who don't get it. Have you considered seeking professional help or are you feeling the way I am about that? Have you considered writing in a journal that only you will see? I don't feel like I have dealt with it, but I don't know how. You're so right that it affects so many other aspects of your life...I feel the exact same way. It rocks you to your core.....

i didnt think of seeking professional help in the beginning, for the reasons you mention, but lately I have been reconsidering the issue, because I dont seem to be able to deal with it on my own. Sometimes I feel a professional doesnt necessarily need to feel exactly what we feel in order to be able to help, he can just identify the problem and help us face or deal with the issue by pointing to new directions of thought (in a way, this is why he/she is supposed to be a professional, right?). I also think some people, even though they havent been through this and maybe cant feel exactly the same way, agree and understand that it's a horrible experience, and identify it as loss... In this sense, it might just be a matter of finding the right person to provide help. But I am not sure, because as you say, not everyone is like that... I just feel there's so much fear, anger, frustration and sadness, bottled up inside, and everything is so entangled, that I need some help with it.
But I dont know... You're right, people's comments hurt. The "you'll have another one", "maybe it was meant to be", "better now than later", are just horrible... For me, talking about pregnancy, no matter whose pregnancy, even when I hear some celebrity's pregnancy on TV, makes me really sick.
I will try the diary. Have you also tried? Writing is a great way to understand our feelings better.

Wow. You've really made me reconsider things I had blocked off. Very good points you made on others' not having gone through it but still being able to help possibly. You sound very intelligent about everything despite being in pain, and I have to commend you for that. I think it's a big step to be able to accept that you can't deal with it on your own and consider help. I'm struggling with that. I do recognize that it's not going so well alone, but I'm as stubborn as they come and have a difficult time admitting I need help with it. The good thing about seeing somebody about it is that you can shop around for the right person. I had a wonderful therapist once that really made a difference for me, and now that I think about it, she didn't have to understand or have gone through what I was dealing with at that time in order to make that difference....I've also had one that I just couldn't connect with and didn't like, but I stopped going. I guess it's as simple as that. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to somebody. As long as they're used to crying! I understand you not wanting to hear about others' pregnancies. I feel badly to be dissappointed to hear a friend is pregnant. It shouldn't be the way I feel. I haven't tried the diary but had a good doctor suggest it. I do feel it might be a really good idea. May I ask if you're more pained by the miscarriage or are you also wanting another baby? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I just wondered....

Well, thanks...I guess when i put things into words, I try to rationalize a bit, that's probably why what comes out sounds better than the real thing inside.
I also like the way you write about things, you are very insightful.
I think, same as you, that feeling bad about other people's pregnancies is not the way it should feel, but i can't help it... A connection breaks when people tell me they're pregnant, it's as if I didnt know what to say. I am conscious of the fact that the way I feel is wrong, and this is why I block off, I dont want to talk to them because I am not ready to say or give out the congragatulations they expect, at least not full-heartedly. I am no longer in touch with two very good friends for this reason, and it doesnt feel right...
Yes, I have thought of having another baby. I think of it every day, but I havent had the chance to try, and on the other hand, I had pelvic inflammatory disease after the miscarriage so I am scared this might have damaged my fallopian tubes (the doctor said it might be so, but that I wouldnt find out until I tried again). I dont think another baby will just miraculously heal the pain completely or make me forget about the first baby, but I definitely think it will help canalize the pain. On the other hand, another concern I have regarding this issue is that pregnancy for people who've had miscarriage wil be different, It's difficult to relate to the way magazines and people describe pregnancy, because for us it's not all about this carefree happiness, it also involves fear, and anxiety that the whole thing might happen again. This, I admit, puts me off a bit... But I would love to try again... What about you? Please feel free to tell or not tell, answer on not answer my questions if you dont feel comfortable with it, same as you said to me... As for me, you can ask whatever you want, I cant talk about this if I fear I might not be understood, but I am glad to be able to talk to someone who's been through it...

Hi, I sent a message to your inbox on this site....I guess the 'my messages' maybe? I hope you get it....

I had one back in Jan, 2008 and Feb, 2012. Its still hard for me.